I’ll just come right out and say it–I’m depressed. I’ve been unsure for the past few days, but I’m finally coming to grips with it today. I’ve been depressed before, but in a different way. In the past it was more of an I-can’t-function-except-as-absolutely-necessary way. At that time, it was because of some major marital issues and I didn’t know what my future would look like. I was scared to death and felt all alone. That crisis has passed, but our family is facing a new one.
The reason for my depression this time is because of a hurt that my immediate family has suffered. Not only that, but some extended family have turned on us because we dared bring the misdeed to light. It was something that needed to be reported, but the decision wasn’t easy. Sometimes you have to choose to do the right thing, even when others want you to do otherwise and will drop you like a lead weight if you don’t do what they want. So we find ourselves not only hurting and trying to cope with the initial incident, but also dealing with the hurt of a broken extended family, as well. Sometimes life just sucks.
At first I didn’t recognize the fact that I’m depressed because I’m functioning at almost my normal level. I’ve had to keep strong for the kids and my husband, but inside I’m hurting. I feel sad, angry, distracted, helpless, betrayed, incredibly hurt, and somewhat lost. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but there have been a couple of times lately when I’ve had to calm myself down to prevent one. (FYI–Focused breathing with the help of a drop of essential oil on a washcloth works wonders.)
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. Just that I’m hurt and I need to express it. Keeping it inside isn’t doing me any good. I know that things will get better, but this is an issue that will never really go away. So until I can figure out a healthy way to deal with this and start to take steps forward, I’ll be withdrawn socially and somewhat sullen. I wish I could just wear a sign on my forehead that says, “I’m dealing with a pile of poo. Please be understanding.”
I know that I’m not alone. There are plenty of other hurting people out there. Know that you’re not alone.